Cars and film: Some of my favorite disappointments


(Image from “How it should have ended: Fast 6”)

Hollywood loves to play with cars.  Blow ’em up, slide them, crash them, whatever.  It’s entertaining to people.

What gets to me is when they’re so wrong or inaccurate in things, as though there aren’t enough of us to consult to make it… well, better. When Hollywood gets stuff wrong, it puts us car-guys going into fits for yeeeeaaars (the The Fast and the Furious of 2001 was enough for us, let alone another five after it– excuse the CanHazCheezbugerz writing of Wiki).

First, the reason I’m even posting this, is the Need for Speed movie, based off the once  popular game series.  Heck, I played Need for Speed 2 all the way until Porsche Unleashed and Hot Pursuit 2 (the latter on PC).  After that, I gave up for the likes of Playstation’s Gran Turismo and xBox 360’s Forza.  But just because these games sell well, doesn’t mean they should be turned into movies.

^It’s movies like this that create atheists, because a higher power wouldn’t allow such things to occur.  It’s right there with hurricanes and genocide.  When a “yo mama” joke is inserted into the trailer, you’re in some very serious shit…  I laughed so hard my soul is broken.

These are just a few of the films or scenes that I particularly want to share.

RPM
Back in 1998, there was a similarly bad-acted B-movie (redundant?) called RPM, starring David Arquette (see “redundant”).  In fact, the star characters between RPM and Need for Speed uncannily similar in look, which considering the 15 year gap is a bad sign, especially when the Y2K-encroached film already screamed more 1993 than New Millennium.

Just for a taste of what Bollywood gives us for entertainment, and I’m hoping is more camp than serious.

Driven
Here’s a fun scene from a movie I didn’t even finish.  The movie Driven from the late 1990’s or early 2000’s– I’m not bothered looking of which– was about formula driving… or indy cars… something like that.  Doesn’t matter, it was bad.

Things to note, here:
-There’s no way you would be able to hear someone at those speeds just from the wind rush, let alone a super-loud, high revving engine in a tunnel.
-This should be their faces:

-Cars like that generally don’t just “start.”  The pit crew more or less cranks them, and even then that’s after pumping hot oil and coolants through the not-running engine in order to prepare it.  They are very tight tolerances, and without optimizing the lubrication and temperatures, that engine will be pissed.
-Apparently, every hum-drum front-drive commuter and luxury barge in Chicago is prone so professional-grade oversteer when the steering wheel is yanked.  Need to see understeer and oversteer?
<p><a href=”http://vimeo.com/59415579″>Toyota GT86 @ TopGear</a> from <a href=”http://vimeo.com/benistus”>Benistus</a&gt; on <a href=”https://vimeo.com”>Vimeo</a&gt;.</p>
-After they get out of their cars, note how one of them just throws that steering-wheel out of the car.  I guarantee that steering wheel is worth somewhere around $10,000-20,000 because of the materials, engineering, and technology put through it.

The best scene was probably early in.

Drive

That got me and fellow car friends excited– seeing a black Hemi-powered Chrysler hauling after a Mustang GT (the new-at-the-time come-back for the 5.0L badge) had me imagining an automotive icon reminiscent of Bullitt.*

Then I rented it… oh deary me.

Here it starts off in a silver Impala SS… boring looking, but quick enough in a straight line, but no getaway car.  Gosling does anything but portray a professional driver, and instead sits more like a cruiser or someone who watches The Fast and the Furious as an example of how driving is done… which it isn’t.  Show me any real professional racer that drives with one hand at 12 o’clock (or 1 o’clock with a left hand, or 10 o’clock with right hand– whatever extreme).  That’s not car control folks, even if he eventually choked up to a slightly better grip once the fuzz caught on.  What’s more: a silver Impala in L.A.– there’s nothing odd about that.  Rental fleets LOVED these cars.  Why did he have to confirm “yup, I’m the one you’re looking for!”  Pull into a McDonalds drive-thru or step into a Holiday Inn like any tourist would and remove suspicion.  To make matters worse, they were going WOT in this torque-steer monster Impala in wet city streets with little lost in speed, more gears than the car had, and what sounded like manual shifting.  That’s only the first scene.

What Drive actually was, minus some stabbing and Christina Hendrix’s head turning to Jello, was this:

Why did they bother?

*To be fair, Bullitt is a very dry, quiet movie.  Steve McQueen was an actor who used facial expressions rather than dialog… stares.  Yes, Bullitt been revered as one of the best car movies ever, but that seven minute chase is just a small bit of the film.  It’s confusing initially, and really takes some attention and appreciation to see it outside just the chase.  I highly suggested watching all of Bullitt without commentary, and then again with commentary, as it brings out a lot more of the film and what was going on at the time as it explains the stares.

The difference between the stares of Bullitt and Drive is McQueen was a master of the art, and aimed for realism and subtle points of social structure of the 1960’s.  Ryan Gosling, on the other hand, was thrown in with a different director and intention, making Drive more blank and awkward rather than a conveyance of emotion.  Culminate that with a horribly 1980’s jacket for that touch of not-quite Hipster, and you lose me.

If there’s a car movie you love to hate, feel free to comment and share.  There are plenty out there!

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One thought on “Cars and film: Some of my favorite disappointments

  1. “I laughed so hard my soul is broken.” Freaking best line in the whole blog bro (not saying it wasn’t a good blog, but THAT cracked me up).

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